We moved into our new flat two weeks ago. It’s lovely. It’s beautiful. It’s great. It’s perfect for us. But I’m being driven to complete distraction by my ability to break/misuse/malfunction every piece of electrical equipment in the flat. The white goods gods have really got it in for me. 

It started off with the washing machine. It’s a funny looking top loader so a bit alien to me but how hard could it be? I didn’t give it a second thought, chucked in a load, turned the knob to the most like looking setting and pushed the most likely looking button. It whooshed and whirred into action so I was a bit surprised when after an hour I opened it to find soaking wet clothes under a top layer of bone dry clothes. What a mystery! Anyway my washing woes could be boring so to cut a long story short I worked out it was something to do with having to close the drum manually. Three hours later and three more attempts I saw the fan belt poking out from under the machine. Snapped. Broken from my lack of top loader needing to close the drum knowledge etc! 

Soaking wet/bone dry clothes decorated with damp clumps of washing powder were chucked into the bath where I did a good old fashioned hand wash – well underfoot wash actually – ‘crushing grapes’ style to be precise! Then it was onto the www where a new fan belt was located in Poland. We would fix it ourselves and save a packet on not getting a €35 per hour technician. Easy peasy!

Next up the cooker. Evening number two and I decided to cook something. The hob is gas and has a clicker ignition when the knob is pushed and turned. The next 20 minutes had me clicking turning clicking turning swearing clicking turning more swearing. The fricking gas was filling the kitchen but not would not ignite around the rings on the hob. Matt then walked in and had a go. It worked immediately. Why??? What the hell was I doing wrong? Again a bit more mystery solving  and we worked out it was a hardcore childproofing security feature. You had to use all your strength to push down on the knob preventing small children and fairly strong middle aged women from ever using the hob! Now I’ve cracked it I use lighting the hob as a part of my exercise routine. I have to remember to switch arms though as I now have a pretty bulgy right bicep!

So that’s the washing machine and hob. Now onto the fridge. Day three and we realised the fridge was not up to the beer cooling coldness we required so I located the dial, turned it to a slightly colder temperature setting and the normally gentle hum of the motor grumbled loudly and abruptly stopped. Oops, I thought. Here we go again. How could I break the fridge by simply turning the dial? Anyway I decided not to panic, just leave it and see what would happen. An hour or so later I breathed a sigh of relief as I heard the gentle hum again. I have to say, though, I was beginning to fear I had inherited my mother’s touch-anything-and-it-breaks condition. 

Cut to two weeks later and after waiting in for a special delivery from Poland I am proud to say we fixed the washing machine. 

But I’ve just broken it again!!!

I forgot to close the drum. Stoopid design. And now I have to admit I really have inherited my mother’s condition. 

Our next order from Poland will be a bulk order.